Attack of the Nanoscientist

, 10 minutes

ATTACK OF THE NANOSCIENTIST!!!!
By Jen Scott, December 2007
Third Draft – July 2008

CHARACTERS:
JILL/JACK – the “Straight Man” of the show. Well meaning, regular scientist.
VILLIAN – An over the top, loud obnoxious super villain. (Watch “The Incredibles” or the Monarch from “The Venture Bros.” cartoon for ideas if need be)

VILLAIN enters.

VILLAIN:
Helllooo citizens of Minnesota/______!!! You thought you were just going to sit down and learn something, didn’t you? Fools! Little did you know that I would trap you here, mesmerize you with my incredible good looks, impressive muscles, dashing cape/awesome shades, and sweep you into the FUTURE!!! BWAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!

VILLAIN:
Firstly, my name is Simon. Secondly, I am a wicked villain of the FUTURE, known as the NANOSCIENTIST!!! I bet you don’t even know what nanoscience is!!! I have powers beyond your comprehension! And tools beyond your wildest dreams!!! I have, at my command, AN ATOMIC FORCE MICROSCOPE!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

VILLAIN:
Now, Simon says put your finger under your nose.

Audience hopefully complies.

VILLIAN:
Now, you are all my minions!! Now, Simon says laugh maniacally!

VILLIAN:
Simon says louder!!!

VILLIAN:
And Simon says STOP! Excellent, minions… Now it’s MY TURN!!!

VILLAIN:
BWAHAHAHAAHAHAAH!!

Real Nanoscientist enters from audience.

JILL/JACK:
Um. Excuse me.

VILLAIN:
BWAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!

JILL/JACK:
EXCUSE ME!

VILLAIN:
BWAHASHAHA!!! Villain chokes. Who are you?

JILL/JACK:
Well… Jack/Jill.

VILLAIN:
What a puny name. Why have you interrupted my ranting, “Jill/Jack”?

JILL/JACK:
Well… um. I think you’re giving the audience a false impression.. because, well, I AM a nanoscientist.

VILLAIN:
YOUUU? How is this possible? Where is your cape/shades?

JILL/JACK:
- Well you don’t need… -

VILLAIN:
Where are your incredibly impressive muscles?

JILL/JACK:
- I do work out -

VILLAIN:
Where is your commanding megalomaniacal laugh? Minions – show her how it’s done! Laugh with your finger under your nose!!!

AUDIENCE laughs hopefully.

VILLIAN:
Simon says stop. Now you, “Jill”…

JILL/JACK:
- Hahahahaha -

VILLAIN:
Please stop.

JILL/JACK stops.

JILL/JACK:
Well, I’m sorry to interrupt your evil rant, but Nanoscale science is not something of the future. It’s something that’s happening right now. And even though it sounds like science fiction, it will change the world we live in! Possibly more than computers! Possibly more than the internet!

JILL/JACK:
You - - audience member - -

VILLAIN:
Minion number 4.

JILL/JACK:
Minion number 4…What couldn’t we do if we didn’t have, well, the internet?

JILL/JACK gathers responses.

JILL/JACK:
Exactly. And some of us real nanoscientists think that nanoscale science will change our lives more than the internet! Maybe more than the invention of cars! More than...

VILLAIN:
WELL, I will change your lives more than the internet!! (I am no one's Facebook friend.) I will drive you to distraction by contacting you incessantly with a portable machine that I may yell at you through, even if I am in a different land! It will have buttons with numbers on it! Pulls out a telephone. People will be mad at you in movie theaters! You will never escape the constant ringing!! Beware my tools!

JILL/JACK:
You mean… You’re going to lord over us with a telephone!

VILLAIN:
BWAHAHA! Call it what you like; your fate is sealed. Simon says put your finger under your nose. Simon says try to sneeze. … Impossible.

JILL/JACK:
Waittaminut. Do you even know what Nanoscale science is?

VILLAIN:
Of course I do! It’s … uh… nanorific!!

JILL/JACK:
Noo...

VILLIAN:
It’s listening to my groovy tunes on a fancy tiny machine? Does a fancy tiny machine dance.

JILL/JACK:
No. It's assembling things on a very very small scale. The nanoscale! For the first time, we're thinking about and effecting how things are built from the bottom up! So, for example, say, you want a chair.

VILLAIN:
I want a chair

JILL/JACK:
Good! Until now, to make that chair, we would have to cut down a tree and carve it into the chair - - basically work from the top down. Now, with nanoscale technology, we might be able to coerce molecules into forming that chair, atom by atom - - working from the bottom up! Incredible, huh?!

VILLAIN:
But I do not want a chair.

JILL/JACK:
That’s not the point! W Exciting new cancer treatments! … Stain-resistant pants…

VILLIANNot only are we able to possibly build stuff we've only dreamed of, but certain materials behave differently in super super small bit, versus then they're on our big scale. Some in ways that we've never expected! Scientists are using these unexpected properties to make new products and improve on old products – water that has the ability to clean itself! To audience. You like clean water, don't you? Exciting new cancer treatements! To audience. That's good too, right? ... Stain resistant pants!!

VILLIAN:
Simon says everyone put your fingers under your nose and laugh because Jill/Jack said pants.

Hopeful laughter.

VILLIAN
Pants... What a silly word. Well… for someone without a cape, you certain monologue a lot, Jill/Jack.

JILL/JACK:
Well, I could tell you about the work we're doing with gold nanoshells and carbon nanotubes-

VILLAIN:
Completely interrupting. NO MATTER! For my minions are still under my command. For I have coerced them into submission by using a small box that blinds them, and will always make them blink unnecessarily and give everyone RED EYES!!! EVEN YOUR GRANDMA WILL HAVE RED EYES! Yes, even you, Minion 74.

Villain pulls out a camera.

JILL/JACK:
You mean, a camera? But we have those in 2009 too.

VILLAIN:
Curses!!! I’m impressed at your wilyness, people of Minnesota/_______. But it is of no matter, for I.. I.. I HAVE an ATOMIC FORCE MICROSCOPE!!!!

JILL/JACK:
You have an atomic force microscope?!

VILLAIN:
Yes! It works by forcing people to do things atomically!!!

JILL/JACK:
That doesn’t make any sense.

VILLAIN:
No really. I can tell people what to do!!! Watch! You - - Minion Number Pi - - Simon says touch your nose. Simon says pull your hair.

JILL/JACK:
You’re just playing Simon says with them!!

VILLAIN:
Atomically!!!

JILL/JACK:
That’s not what an atomic force microscope does. An atomic force microscope lets us “see” things down on the nanoscale - - it's the smallest we've ever been able to see! But instead of using light to see, we use touch! We see by feeling!

JILL/JACK:
Minions - - everyone say Atomic.

Minions “Atomic!”

JILL/JACK:
Atomic stands for atoms and molecules, the teeny tiny building blocks that make up everything. Everyone say Force!

Minions “Force!”

JILL/JACK:
Force is for pushing or pulling. Everyone say Microscope!

Minions “Microscope!”

JILL/JACK:
The word microscope is a little confusing, because this tool “sees” things that are NANO-sized (NOT microscopic - - we're working wayyyy smaller than microscopic!) by touch!
I have a little example of how “seeing by touch” works. I am going to need a volunteer from the audience. What’s your name?

VOLUNTEER:
{name}

JILL/JACK
Thank you for volunteering today {name} well-

VILLAIN:
I like to refer to this one as minion number 3,245,654 (or some other ridiculous, long number). Hah!

JILL/JACK:
Or …umm..{name} So {name} I would like for you to put your hand into my bag here and feel around for the object inside. When you know what that object is please yell it out to the crowd.

VOLUNTEER:
It’s a spoon!

JILL/JACK:
Yes! {show audience spoon} It is! Give {name} a round of applause! Feeling the spoon in the bag is a great way to show you how to see by touch. Of course atomic force microscopes are much more complex than a spoon in a bag, but they are seeing atoms by touch! You know what? I don’t think you even have an atomic force microscope. I mean, if you do have one, where is it?

VILLAIN:
…at… the atomic force cleaners?

JILL/JACK looks exasperated.

VILLAIN:
My dog ate it?

JILL/JACK:
No...

VILLAIN:
Can I still play Simon says?

JILL/JACK:
Minions! Simon says that everyone should be aware of Nanoscale science.

VILLAIN:
Well played, JACK/JILL!!

JILL/JACK:
So, now do you have an idea of what nanoscale science is?

VILLAIN:
The science of working with materials at a very very very small scale - - the nano-scale!

JILL/JACK:
And why it's so special?

VILLIAN:
Because materials are this small, they sometimes behave differently than we expect! And we can use these properties to make new, unheard of products!

JILL/JACK:
And an atomic force microscope?

VILLAIN:
Doesn’t force people to do anything. But rather, it’s what we use to feel things on the nanoscale!

JILL/JACK:
Exactly!! Simon says give this super villain from the future a round of applause.

Audience applauds.

VILLAIN:
Thank you, Minnesotans/________ of the past. But - - too late! I have lulled you into a false sense of security! For there is one last tool you could have never of imagined. A delightfully fiendish toy - - it’s designed to blind your corneas, with light itself! I have… A HYPER DEATH RAY!!!

VILLIAN pulls out a Flashlight

JILL/JACK:
A flashlight?

A HYPER DEATH FLASHLIGHT!! It takes C-size batteries! NOTHING takes C-size batteries!

VILLIAN sneakily turns flashlight off, pretending that the batteries have run out.

VILLIAN:
Bwahahaha… shaking flashlight. Pleading to audience. Um.. does anyone have any C-Size batteries?

JILL/JACK:
Why would anyone...

VILLIAN:
Hey look, a monkey!!

JILL/JACK:
What?

VILLIAN slips backstage.

JILL/JACK:
Okay.. um.. Goodbye, super villian. Thank you so much, everyone! If you have any questions, I’d be happy to try and answer. Otherwise, have a great afternoon at the museum!

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